My Name is Rick

My name is Rick. I have a little over 35 years of recovery. It has been a journey of rediscovery, not just of who I was but who I could be. Not just about where I am going but about where I’ve been and how that shaped who I am today.

I dealt with the using and damaged I caused in the “early” years of my recovery. I continued to make a lot of the same mistakes I made while using, especially in relationships. I started to learn new ways of dealing with the mistakes and how to avoid making them again.

There where parts of my life that I still choose not to face. The account that follows is about one major event that I had to work through but avoided for years. This is the first time I have ever written down any of the details regarding this part of my journey.

I turned 18 in September 1980. That November, I was in the hospital for surgery. Diagnosed with cancer. By the middle of Nov, I was in the city 3 hours away for tests and a second surgery. 

It was determined I was stage 4 (cancer had spread) and it would be an 8-hour surgery to remove all affected lymph nodes. The surgery was 12 hours. They lost me once on the table but managed to get me back. The doctor wouldn't give up on me.

I was well enough by the end of December to go home for a week for Christmas. I was back in the city (3 hours from home and everyone I knew) on January 1st to start a very aggressive chemo regime for the next 4 months. 

I started the journey at 170lbs of solid muscle. I had a bodybuilders’ body, long curly hair and a flawless smile. By the time my treatments finished, I was 105lbs, bald, and looked like ash.

For 5 years I went back for constant checkups. My last appointment the Dr asked why I was there. I said I had an appointment, and he responded that's not what I meant. You shouldn't have survived. 

I spent a lot of years lost in addiction after my release from the hospital. After all I had an expiration date.  I lived for years expecting to die.

A friend asked me about life insurance, and I told him I couldn't get it. He said let's see. 2 weeks later he was back at my kitchen table with a term 100 life insurance policy. I had to face the fact that someone was willing to bet money on me living to 100. I had never been scared of dying, already did it once, but I was terrified of living.

I never talked about it. Kept it hidden from people. Some people thought I had died and where shocked when I showed up somewhere. 

I was angry at God. Why would you do this to me, and 18-year-old kid. I struggled for years to put weight back on and grow my hair back. 

I got into recovery on January 21st, 1990. I had a lot to learn. A lot to let go of. A lot of growing up to do. A lot of ego and low self-esteem to work through. 

It took time to mend relationships. My relationship with God is still a work in progress. I'm a stubborn child. 

My question, "why me?" changed to, "why not me?" God didn't promise I would never go through trials. What He did promise was to be with me through the trials. My cancer journey has become part of my story that may give hope to others. I have come to understand God will see me through to what every end is in His plan. Even if it is not what I hope for, He will give me peace in it.

I am now 62. I work in the addiction field. I have a stepson, 2 beautiful daughters, 10 awesome grandkids, and a great granddaughter. My wife today is the girl I was dating back when I was diagnosed with cancer. Our lives took separate roads for 40yrs. We have been married now for 5 plus years.

I could never have imagined the life I have now. I have been blessed beyond measure.

Music always has been in my life in some form. If I was going to recommend a couple, Mercy Me "Even If"; Casting Crowns "Praise You in the Storm" &" Just Be Held"

May God bless and keep you on this journey.

-Rick